Hello my love. I’m writing to you to publicly apologize for abandoning you this morning. You have to know that I didn’t want to go. Please believe me when I tell you that leaving you is always the worst part of my day. I know it’s hard for you to believe because I do it all the time. And like all of the others who say that they love you… need you… can’t live without you, I offer up my very own heartfelt, “I’m sorry” and “I love you” and “I can’t live without you.” Honestly, it’s not a petty apology. I do love you. I do need you. I really can’t live without you. I truly am so incredibly sorry. I don’t want to make this all about me but you need to know how I feel… what I go through when I have to leave.

Let’s start with the obvious… morning. For some unexplainable reason, someone, a very long time ago (before I could give my input) decided that when the sun came up, it was time to start the day. Had it been up to me, I would’ve made it so that I wouldn’t have to leave you for a full 3 hours after sunrise. — which reminds me of a few weeks back when I was on vacation. Remember how the sun came up and I didn’t have to leave? Remember how I just laid there and you let my conjure up ridiculous notions of bike rides and taking long walks by the beach. You let me believe I could lay there with you as the hours passed and that I would still have time to clean, run errands and frolic under the sun.

Hmmm, something just occurred to me. If you cared about me as much as I do for you, why do you allow me to believe such ridiculous thing? I can’t lie in bed all morning and still have a full day to do the things that need to be done. Not that I wouldn’t love to but I can’t just stay cozied up under the blankets and make plans that will never happen. You let me believe that the world is mine. You let me believe that I am the smartest and wittiest and cleverest woman who has ever walked the earth. You let me believe that I can do crazy things like run a 5k in under 35 minutes and look cute when I cross the finish line. You let me believe that I can get out of insanely dangerous situations with ninja-like skills. You let me believe that I’ll live in houses I’ve never been in, love children I’ve never seen and dance in 5 inch spiked heels I don’t own. You even let me believe that I look good in yellow. LIES, sir… all lies!  I give you an extra hour of my time and I walk away believing a ton of lies. 

WHY??? I have been so loyal to you. I am all yours when you decide you want me. Sometimes I lay in bed for hours just waiting for you to show up. Not that I’m ever disappointed when you do. But, 6 hours is just not enough. And don’t get me started on the nights you show up at 2am and suddenly you vanish by 5. And you think I’m selfish and inconsiderate??? And don’t think that just because you give me a half-hour nooner on Saturday afternoons that it makes up for how you treated me during the week. Don’t get me wrong, I adore you. I really do. But what do you want from me? I wait for you with bated breath. Longing for you to show up. I do what I can to prepare myself for your arrival. I shower and brush my teeth. I wear cute pj’s. When I dry the sheets, I throw in gently scented lavender fabric-softner. You think I do those things for just anyone? No sir, it’s for you… all for you. And don’t think that others can’t tell how unfair you treat me. On those nights when you decide to show up for a few measly hours… or not at all… I go to work with bags under my eyes, lose my appetite, have no desire to work out and absolutely no energy to perform daily tasks.

I wish I didn’t need you the way I do. I wish I could be one of those people who can just walk away from you in the morning with a smile on my face and feeling completely satisfied with our night together (no matter how short a time it was) . I hate those kind of people.

Anyway, I realize I went off on a tangent here. This letter was supposed to be about how sorry I am for, once again, putting my son and work and life before you. I hate that it has to be this way but it’s just how it goes. With that said, I look forward to being with you tonight. I was thinking that after a nice, long bubble bath, I would pour myself a glass of wine, wear my oversized t-shirt, crawl under the blankets and try to focus on my book until you show up. Don’t keep me waiting too long, my love.

You’re so dreamy. I love you, Mr. Sandman.

T